As soon as I got home, I anxiously put the tape into the VCR. From the start until the conclusion, I studied the speaker’s body gestures and facial expressions, and I observed how sharp he looked in his tailor-made suit. This man possessed wit, eloquence, and charm. And I could tell he sincerely believed in creating his own destiny. Les Brown, the motivation speaker, a.k.a. The Motivator, was that man on the cover.

The more I watched that videotape (I watched it at least 4 times on the first day I took it home), the more I realized that motivational speaking was meant for me. My calling had emerged and my lifelong search for work that would ignite my fire was finally over. Although Les Brown mesmerized me, I was more enamored with my own potential to take motivational speaking to greater heights. I am a naturally gifted speaker and I inspire people to see their unique gifts. I knew I had what it took to be a major player in the personal development field.

I couldn’t think of anything more gratifying than devoting my life to making a difference in the lives of people worldwide. With all my might, I immersed myself into motivational speaking. Finally, the doors to inner peace would fly open, I thought. I envisioned traveling the world, giving keynote speeches, facilitating seminars, and encouraging people to drink deeply from the well of life.

The possibility of becoming financially independent while doing what I loved also motivated me. With more money, I could purchase a new home for my mother, marry my longtime companion, and ease the burdens of my loved ones who were dealing with one struggle after another. I wanted to do some nice things for myself, too. I sincerely wanted to rescue us all from pain. I thought that by making lots of money, I would reduce a great deal of suffering. 

Within only two months of finding my path, my life took a frightening turn. I seriously injured my throat, and my capacity to speak, even in everyday situations, was severely impaired. After listening to Les Brown's dynamic voice, I thought that I needed to develop a voice as powerful as his. No one had told me that my voice was too weak. In hindsight, people enjoyed listening to me. Still, I thought that my voice needed improvement. I wanted the kind of voice that effortlessly projected over large crowds. Sounding exactly like Les Brown was not my objective. All I wanted to do was to improve the voice I already had. I just went about it the wrong way.

I had heard about a man, Demosthenes, from ancient Greece. Legend has it that Demosthenes overcame a stuttering problem by speaking over the roar of the ocean--with pebbles in his mouth! When he removed the pebbles, he noticed that his speech flowed smoothly. As the story goes, performing this ritual regularly eliminated his stuttering, and he became a great orator.

I didn’t have a speech impediment like Demosthenes. I wanted a well-projected and more resonant voice. So I modified his method. Rather than talking over a roaring ocean, each day during my half-hour lunch break, I went to a nearby pond, and with a falsely deepened voice I shouted free-flowing words of inspiration to a well-attended assembly of ducks and geese and fish. The animals were nonjudgmental, a great audience for a novice speaker.

I thought that if I trained my voice to go beyond its natural sound, then it would deepen into powerful tones. Well, the practice of stressing one area of the body to make another area stronger didn’t work for me as it had for Demosthenes; by shouting and making my voice deeper than it naturally was, I placed my throat under extreme pressure. I would pay the price for my ignorance.

After several weeks of playing voice games at the pond, one day I returned from my lunch break and realized that I could barely say a word. My voice had been reduced to a whisper. My throat felt extremely raw, and when I swallowed it felt as though I were swallowing tiny pieces of glass.

Sometimes when I spoke, I felt electric sensations in my bottom teeth and jaw, and when I looked at the inside of my mouth and throat I could see that it was bumpy and beet-red. I was shocked. I knew that I had hurt myself and wasn’t sure if I would ever speak normally and without pain. I had traumatized my throat, and I was scared! Was this some cruel trick? If there was a God, sometimes I wondered if the powers that be were up against me.

I desperately shopped for relief, going from specialist to specialist. After being examined by three different ear, nose, and throat doctors and taking speech lessons with three different therapists, I was diagnosed with palatal myoclonus. The specialists relieved some of my pain, it was minimal though. For at least the next six years, whenever I attempted to talk, I experienced intense pain. I avoided talking whenever possible, and I often withdrew into my own world.

It was a freak accident, and I couldn’t find one person who shared my exact problem. “This is crazy!” I thought. I never imagined that this could happen to me. I lived with guilt and shame for damaging myself and I can’t begin to explain how I longed for the days when I spoke freely and without pain.

My problems kept adding up. During this period, I felt very stressful most of the time. The anxiety caused me to feel pain in other parts of my body. My work became sporadic, and I packed on twenty-five pounds. If that wasn’t bad enough, my nine-year relationship with the woman I loved and had planned to marry dissolved. Pain was my unwanted and now only companion. Life was not fun. Once a cheerful person, I was now lonely and miserable.

My strongly held vision was getting blurred, and success seemed far away. Through the fog, I kept on moving. I couldn’t allow myself to give up. Many people loved me, and I had come too far to quit on myself. Although the physical and emotional pain was intense, my dream of motivational speaking was even more intense.

Life Got Better

Some days, I wondered if dying would have been a better alternative than living with pain. Being a zestful person, this is not easy for me to admit. Gradually I renewed faith in myself. The years of my persistence, along with divine assistance, saved me from the abyss. Ultimately, I learned to go within myself to find calm. Hardly a day would go by without my finding some kind of solace from prayer and meditation. Especially comforting were my visits with the nonspeaking world of trees, flowers, rivers, and animals. These outings helped to reduce my anxiety and temporarily took my mind off my problems. Mother Nature taught me order; she inspired me to stay with my life and to believe that one day I could establish order, too. Despite my bouts with frustration and fear, I always returned to faith.

Taking care of my body and spirit became my full-time job. I was eating plenty of fruits and vegetables, nuts and seeds, and I alternated between running and swimming a few times per week. The wholesome foods kept my body cleaner and my weight lighter, and my exercise program offered me reprieve from my pain. I would do whatever necessary to create an environment for my throat and body to heal.

Opening myself to the love of my family, to my therapist Dr. Laura Slap-Shelton, and to a few good friends was indispensable in healing me. I thank everyone who assisted me in this process. I especially thank my uncle Tubby, who listened to my every complaint, remained loyal to me, and on many occasions spoke life into me. Mom, thank you, too, for your everlasting support. You are such a beautiful woman.

In retrospect, I had to lose my physical voice to discover the quiet voice within. I also learned that I could no longer rescue anyone. It’s becoming clearer to me that most people are equipped to take care of themselves. I can support another’s journey; however, I must allow others to learn their own life lessons.

Interestingly, the people I wanted to save seemed to be getting themselves together and appeared to be having more fun than I was. I now know that saving the world and rescuing does not work. Period. Soulful Messages is a trail of my life. I have experienced the messages. As I practice working with my own material, I feel freer and my life is more enjoyable. If you keep an open mind, I know that these messages can work for you, too.

I want Soulful Messages to remind you to take some deep breaths, to look at the bigger picture, to stay within the flow zone, and to fully live your life. Throughout the book, you’ll also get the chance to meet some of the people who have influenced my life. Enjoy my notations on them. Whenever I could, I wrote Soulful Messages while the sun was shining on me. I would love for the healing rays that soothed me to saturate you. I pray that we all take the time to grow and glow. Grow in wisdom, glow in love.

Even if one idea from this book can shift your consciousness to a higher state and make your life more meaningful, then my purpose for writing is fulfilled. My personal mission is to experience ever-deeper layers of beauty. Purchse a book, read it and you’ll be encouraged to find and live your purpose, too.